This post is about me outing myself and getting real. Real with myself, real with you, and real about my intentions for this blog. These are all things that I have been struggling with. I may well continue to struggle with the first two, but the last one not so much. I’m finally clear on what I want this space to be about: my recovery.
So here’s me outing myself. There are three reasons why I’ve not posted on here for a while. First, I had been comparing it to professional blogs that have a beautiful layout, are full of beautiful imagery, and are more creative. Mine looks like an A-level project. Black, visually unappealing and dull. The second reason is fear. I was too scared to show up fully and to reveal myself. To be truly vulnerable. I didn’t feel ready. I was embarrassed and feared that people may judge or reject me. I wasn’t ready to deal with either of those eventualities. I was coming from a place of ego. Acting from a place of fear rather than a place of love. Finally, I lacked clarity. I had no idea what I was trying to achieve with this blog, not really. I didn’t know what message I wanted to share. Yes, I had already been awakened and I wanted to document my progress, but I felt like something was missing. That last piece of the jigsaw, which was nowhere to be found.
So I abandoned my blog and ignored it for 8 months. Pretended it didn’t exist. I told myself that I’ll just wait until my annual subscription finishes and then it will disappear into the online ether. Like it never existed. Like it wasn’t another thing that I hadn’t completed. Yes, I was in denial. The worst part is that I silenced the voice within that was so desperate to be heard. I suffocated my calling. My happiness.
Well, as of today I am going to tell my ego to go screw itself. I’m done with playing small, with second guessing myself. I’m done with not giving things a shot. No regrets. I’m discarding the ego’s veil and I offer myself up to God’s plan, whatever that may be. What He has in store for me I have no idea. And that’s OK. I am letting go of the need to control this. And let’s be honest, being in control hasn’t worked for me so far. So I’m releasing myself from the shackles of control and allowing a sense of lightness. Curiosity. Experimentation. I don’t need to know where this will go. All I know is that this feels right.
The clarity I was lacking has come to me in the last couple of weeks. Not through pressure, or strategising, or picking a topic based on my chosen target audience. It has evolved naturally. It’s come from my heart. I’m finally ready to face my darkest demons. The murky, gungy, sticky past that I had so desperately tried to ignore. But it won’t go away and it’s kept me chained in my own personal hell. The freedom and joy that I am yearning for will come once I’ve had the courage to go into the dark places. Well, I’m feeling courageous, so bring it on. And this is what I’m going to share with you. My recovery. All parts of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Consider this as the first step in me doing just that. I will be opening up to you. Vulnerable. Raw. I invite you to join me on a bumper ride of discovery and recovery. To follow my progress and successes. My fails and falls. And you’ll see me brushing myself off and getting back up again. I refuse to let my past get the better of me. I am a survivor and a fighter. I believe we all deserve a magnificent life, one full of passion. A vibrant life where we feel fully alive. We are fireworks ready to explode in our sparkling glory.
So who cares if my blog looks amateurish? What I write is so much more important than how it looks. To not get my message out, and perhaps help someone else along the way, for superficial and egotistical reasons would be me living small. That’s not beautiful. That’s judgemental and coming from a place of fear. Hiding behind the mask of perfectionism. I’ve lived behind a mask most of my life. No more. I have taken it off and stamped on it. Rather vigorously and angrily. It now lays on the floor shattered into a million pieces. No way back. This is who I am. Meet Karrie. No BS. No apologies. You either like me, or you don’t. That’s OK. If I don’t resonate with you, don’t read my blog or follow my journey. I am unapologetically me. Unapologetically loud. Unapologetically eccentric. Unapologetically sensitive. Unapologetically naive. Unapologetically angry. Unapologetically broken. Unapologetically determined to heal. I’m diving into the dark, murky places in service of my higher self.
I’m going to do that both on here, and on YouTube. This is my way of getting accountability. A promise. I will share my message, no matter what. I don’t care how amateur my blog may look or my videos may be. I don’t care what I look like on camera. I don’t care if I can’t look directly at the camera (which, by the way, is harder than you might think). I am dedicated to documenting my journey. 100% all in. Committed.
And you know what? This blog is a work in progress. Just like me. Perhaps it is even a part of my journey. The evolution of my blog may be a reflection of my own evolution. As my inner beauty unfolds, so will the beauty of my blog.
So let me pledge the following:
- I pledge to rekindle this blog.
- I pledge to write from my heart. Real. Raw. No masks involved.
- I pledge to start a YouTube channel. A video documentary of my journey.
Hop on board and enjoy the ride.
In all my loud, eccentric and crazy glory,
I want to apologise in advance if this post isn’t as upbeat as you might expect. I have had a not-so-great experience and it’s made me feel sick. So much so that I need to post this blog as a form of therapy. And to be true to my journey, documenting the downs and not just the ups. So here goes. Honesty on tap.
Today has been a good day. I was feeling really positive, I think I might even have felt a little self-love for myself. I was even fantasising about this amazing post I was going to write about loving yourself. Then this evening happened. I experienced a panic attack so strong, I burst into deep, loud, gut-wrenching sobs. I spiralled into it within a matter of seconds. I haven’t had one in a long time, I can’t even remember when the last one was, and then here was one right out of the blue. I was totally unprepared.
The trigger? My therapy session. The worst part is that the session had been going so well and it had just ended. Then my therapist made a comment, thinking out loud about what we’d talked about, and it opened a big can of worms. She really hit on something. I felt as though a ghost had walked over my grave. I managed to laugh it off at the time and bury the feelings. That’s what I’m good at after all. That’s how I’ve survived all the sh*t that happened in my childhood.
But as soon as I got home, the panic attack hit at full force and the uncontrollable sobbing started. I contacted my therapist and we spoke over the phone to help calm me down, but I’m still feeling the after-effects. I’m feeling down. Down, down, down, down. I hate myself. I want to cry but don’t want to cry. I feel empty inside. I feel dirty. I feel ashamed. I feel pain.
Yet at the same time, a very small part of me feels OK with the fact that I feel like I do. And what I’ve realised is that that’s the thing with healing. You know that at the end there is a bright light, you will be free of the pain, hurt, trauma, whatever demons you carry. But to get there you have to feel that pain, that hurt, that trauma. That’s the only way to deal with your issues. Embrace the pain and you will get better.
So I guess I’m writing from a point of acceptance. I accept that I will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. There will be ups and there will most certainly be downs. But that’s OK because once I’ve dealt with the crap, I will be free. Free of the pain, of the hurt. Free to love with open arms. Free to embrace life. Free to live life to its fullest. And that for me is worth it.
Have you been on a rollercoaster journey? What was it like for you? Or are you in the midst of one? Leave a comment below or email me – I’d love for you to share your experience with me.