Unapologetically determined to heal. My recovery, a promise and a few pledges.

tree with pretty white flowers

This post is about me outing myself and getting real. Real with myself, real with you, and real about my intentions for this blog.  These are all things that I have been struggling with. I may well continue to struggle with the first two, but the last one not so much. I’m finally clear on what I want this space to be about: my recovery.

So here’s me outing myself. There are three reasons why I’ve not posted on here for a while. First, I had been comparing it to professional blogs that have a beautiful layout, are full of beautiful imagery, and are more creative. Mine looks like an A-level project. Black, visually unappealing and dull. The second reason is fear. I was too scared to show up fully and to reveal myself. To be truly vulnerable. I didn’t feel ready. I was embarrassed and feared that people may judge or reject me. I wasn’t ready to deal with either of those eventualities. I was coming from a place of ego. Acting from a place of fear rather than a place of love. Finally, I lacked clarity. I had no idea what I was trying to achieve with this blog, not really. I didn’t know what message I wanted to share. Yes, I had already been awakened and I wanted to document my progress, but I felt like something was missing. That last piece of the jigsaw, which was nowhere to be found.

So I abandoned my blog and ignored it for 8 months. Pretended it didn’t exist. I told myself that I’ll just wait until my annual subscription finishes and then it will disappear into the online ether. Like it never existed. Like it wasn’t another thing that I hadn’t completed. Yes, I was in denial. The worst part is that I silenced the voice within that was so desperate to be heard. I suffocated my calling. My happiness.

Well, as of today I am going to tell my ego to go screw itself. I’m done with playing small, with second guessing myself. I’m done with not giving things a shot. No regrets. I’m discarding the ego’s veil and I offer myself up to God’s plan, whatever that may be. What He has in store for me I have no idea. And that’s OK. I am letting go of the need to control this. And let’s be honest, being in control hasn’t worked for me so far. So I’m releasing myself from the shackles of control and allowing a sense of lightness. Curiosity. Experimentation. I don’t need to know where this will go. All I know is that this feels right.

The clarity I was lacking has come to me in the last couple of weeks. Not through pressure, or strategising, or picking a topic based on my chosen target audience. It has evolved naturally. It’s come from my heart. I’m finally ready to face my darkest demons. The murky, gungy, sticky past that I had so desperately tried to ignore.  But it won’t go away and it’s kept me chained in my own personal hell. The freedom and joy that I am yearning for will come once I’ve had the courage to go into the dark places. Well, I’m feeling courageous, so bring it on. And this is what I’m going to share with you. My recovery. All parts of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

african_sunrise

Consider this as the first step in me doing just that. I will be opening up to you. Vulnerable. Raw. I invite you to join me on a bumper ride of discovery and recovery. To follow my progress and successes. My fails and falls. And you’ll see me brushing myself off and getting back up again. I refuse to let my past get the better of me. I am a survivor and a fighter. I believe we all deserve a magnificent life, one full of passion. A vibrant life where we feel fully alive. We are fireworks ready to explode in our sparkling glory.

So who cares if my blog looks amateurish? What I write is so much more important than how it looks. To not get my message out, and perhaps help someone else along the way, for superficial and egotistical reasons would be me living small. That’s not beautiful. That’s judgemental and coming from a place of fear. Hiding behind the mask of perfectionism. I’ve lived behind a mask most of my life. No more. I have taken it off and stamped on it. Rather vigorously and angrily. It now lays on the floor shattered into a million pieces. No way back. This is who I am. Meet Karrie. No BS. No apologies. You either like me, or you don’t. That’s OK. If I don’t resonate with you, don’t read my blog or follow my journey. I am unapologetically me. Unapologetically loud. Unapologetically eccentric. Unapologetically sensitive. Unapologetically naive. Unapologetically angry. Unapologetically broken. Unapologetically determined to heal. I’m diving into the dark, murky places in service of my higher self.

I’m going to do that both on here, and on YouTube. This is my way of getting accountability. A promise. I will share my message, no matter what. I don’t care how amateur my blog may look or my videos may be. I don’t care what I look like on camera. I don’t care if I can’t look directly at the camera (which, by the way, is harder than you might think). I am dedicated to documenting my journey. 100% all in. Committed.

vibrant_flower

And you know what? This blog is a work in progress. Just like me. Perhaps it is even a part of my journey. The evolution of my blog may be a reflection of my own evolution. As my inner beauty unfolds, so will the beauty of my blog.

So let me pledge the following:

  1. I pledge to rekindle this blog.
  2. I pledge to write from my heart. Real. Raw. No masks involved.
  3. I pledge to start a YouTube channel. A video documentary of my journey.

Hop on board and enjoy the ride.

In all my loud, eccentric and crazy glory,

Karrie xo

8 thoughts on “Unapologetically determined to heal. My recovery, a promise and a few pledges.”

  1. Karrie, I bow to you in deep honor and appreciation of your bravery to be authentic, vulnerable, and generous. Life is meant to be vibrant and full of joy, and you are well on your way to creating that life! Much love & light to you! I will be following! xo Chrissy

  2. Karrie sweetheart this is a brilliant blog. Honest, vulnerable, real. I’m sure it will help others on their journeys.
    Ali x

  3. Hello Karrie! And a huge hug from me and the the joy in felt reading your passion and courage and obvious beauty.

    And this made me smile because your words reminded me of my first blog entry. Not because in it on made a pledge, but because I began with my expressed uncertainty about its existence and my unstated idea that that would no longer stop me and that it didn’t need to be “professional.”

    You may find it interesting as it evolved into some honest self expression/exploration, with poetry and essays and journalling. But mostly it became a place where I wrote about the interactive awareness of Life and its active support and humour in my (our) lives.

    I’ve been less active recently because actually living through yoga and supporting my disabled wife and things like the Recovery 2.0 have taken up more of my time.

    And you may find an interview I did that was podcast intersting: it was about my first experience of joy, which happened in 2014 around my 53rd birthday, and coming to live with authenticity. http://auticulture.com/the-liminalist-49/

    And my blog is at http://www.egajd.blogspot.com

  4. Hello Karrie!
    What a great beginning to a renewal in life, to be open to imperfection! To embrace who you are! Well done and a huge hug!

    I became aware, in the early ’80s, that I was imprisoned by perfection. A great little Canadian novel helped me see that. It was Abra (in Canada), and Gaining Ground (in the UK), by Joan Barfoot. It’s about a mother who abandons her children in order to find herself. It is very well written. And another pivotal book, also by Joan, was Dancing in the Dark, about a perfectionist housekeeper who kills her husband and goes to mental ward for the criminally insane before she began to find freedom from perfectionism’s imprisonment.

    Good journey!

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