I want to apologise in advance if this post isn’t as upbeat as you might expect. I have had a not-so-great experience and it’s made me feel sick. So much so that I need to post this blog as a form of therapy. And to be true to my journey, documenting the downs and not just the ups. So here goes. Honesty on tap.
Today has been a good day. I was feeling really positive, I think I might even have felt a little self-love for myself. I was even fantasising about this amazing post I was going to write about loving yourself. Then this evening happened. I experienced a panic attack so strong, I burst into deep, loud, gut-wrenching sobs. I spiralled into it within a matter of seconds. I haven’t had one in a long time, I can’t even remember when the last one was, and then here was one right out of the blue. I was totally unprepared.
The trigger? My therapy session. The worst part is that the session had been going so well and it had just ended. Then my therapist made a comment, thinking out loud about what we’d talked about, and it opened a big can of worms. She really hit on something. I felt as though a ghost had walked over my grave. I managed to laugh it off at the time and bury the feelings. That’s what I’m good at after all. That’s how I’ve survived all the sh*t that happened in my childhood.
But as soon as I got home, the panic attack hit at full force and the uncontrollable sobbing started. I contacted my therapist and we spoke over the phone to help calm me down, but I’m still feeling the after-effects. I’m feeling down. Down, down, down, down. I hate myself. I want to cry but don’t want to cry. I feel empty inside. I feel dirty. I feel ashamed. I feel pain.
Yet at the same time, a very small part of me feels OK with the fact that I feel like I do. And what I’ve realised is that that’s the thing with healing. You know that at the end there is a bright light, you will be free of the pain, hurt, trauma, whatever demons you carry. But to get there you have to feel that pain, that hurt, that trauma. That’s the only way to deal with your issues. Embrace the pain and you will get better.
So I guess I’m writing from a point of acceptance. I accept that I will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. There will be ups and there will most certainly be downs. But that’s OK because once I’ve dealt with the crap, I will be free. Free of the pain, of the hurt. Free to love with open arms. Free to embrace life. Free to live life to its fullest. And that for me is worth it.
Have you been on a rollercoaster journey? What was it like for you? Or are you in the midst of one? Leave a comment below or email me – I’d love for you to share your experience with me.