Well, hello there. My name is Karrie. I’ve not had the best of beginnings – I’ll tell you a little more about that a bit further down – and I feel as though my life is at a tipping point. So I’ve started this blog to share my journey, my thoughts, my struggles, my successes, the ups and the downs. My life laid bared. I’m honoured that you’ve taken the time to read about me and if I can in any way inspire you, well, that would be the ultimate joy for me, the cherry on the icing on the cake!
So, a little about myself. I’m what you might call successful. I’ve worked my way up the career ladder and have a well-paid job. I have my own flat and a pretty flash car (an Audi A3 convertible if you’re interested). I’m a smiley and cheerful person. I laugh a lot. I make people laugh. I’m generally well liked. On the outside it looks like I’ve got it together. On the inside, I’m falling apart. I’m deeply unhappy. I suffer bouts of depression. I have anger issues. And abandonment issues. Oh, and let’s not forget the anxiety that grips me everyday. I’m highly strung. I’m unable to maintain a healthy relationship. In fact, I’m scared to let anyone in, to properly let anyone in, even my closest friends. I’ve realised that I hate myself and I feel worthless. I like to dabble in a little self-sabotage just when I start to make positive changes in my life. Basically, I am f*cked up. For the longest time, I had no idea why. I thought I’d had a pretty normal, stable, loving childhood. Oh, how wrong I was.
I was born in Poland (my family is Polish). My father left me when I was 2. My mum left me when I was 4. She went to London (England) and came back for me a couple of years later, but still, I had no way of knowing she’d be back. My nan was my guardian during that time and in her care, I was sexually abused by a neighbour. At 6 years of age, my mum came back for me and took me with her to London to the house she lived in with her new husband, my new stepfather. He physically abused her. He threw me against a wall once when I tried to protect my mum from him. A couple of years after that, I saw him try to kill my mum. She managed to run for her life and came back for me later that evening (with police reinforcements) but I had to spend a good few hours in the dark with that crazy man, feeling scared and unsure of what would happen to me. My mum has done her best for me, but she has her faults. When I was as a child, she would explode over the smallest things. Even at home, I’d wait every day for her to go off about something. She would rant and rave, shouting, having a go at me. 5 minutes later she’d be fine, acting as if nothing had happened. That messes with your head a little. I’ve also been bullied in every single school I went to and I’ve been bullied in 2 of my jobs. So yes, you could say that my childhood has been pretty rubbish.
That was hard for me to write and share with you but I feel that I have to be honest as the events of my childhood have shaped me into who I am today. And I believe that these events are the drivers in me pursuing a better life. I am bent on overcoming the past, healing, getting better and living the life that I deserve. I’m an idealist at heart and I want to pursue a life full of vibrant passion. Life is too short to settle for second best and to be held back by what has happened in the past. I am taking control and building myself the life that I deserve. I want to be a go-getter! To reach for the stars. To wake every morning with a fire in my belly (the good kind). To have a spring in my step. To be the best that I can be. And all the while to be true to myself. I am in pursuit of a better life. If I’ve kindled your interest, I would love for you to join me for the ride.