Confession alert. I have spent the majority of my life emotionally unavailable. Due to the stuff that happened early on in my life, my way of surviving was to put up massive barriers and I have refused to take them down.
My barriers were so enforced that I didn’t allow anyone in. Not friends, not lovers, not even my own mother. Intimacy scared the sh*t out of me. I was afraid to show my real feelings towards those closest to me. I was even scared to give my best friends a hug for goodness’ sake!
The thing is, I didn’t even realise that I was like that. It only dawned on me after my mother’s partner pointed it out. He got me thinking and after a while (I’m talking a couple of years!) I realised that he was right.
I’ve been quite happy having my barriers surround me. After all, it’s a form of self-preservation, right? If I let someone in, I’ll get hurt so I’m preventing that from happening. I’m just protecting myself. At least, that was the logic.
But here’s the thing. Whilst I was blocking the bad feelings, I was also blocking all the good ones. Love, happiness, joy, freedom. Being numb meant that I was preventing myself from experiencing all the positive emotions, too.
This realisation sucked. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel love. Life is all about ups and downs and you can’t hide from that. By being numb, I wasn’t really living. I was bumbling along and not getting the most out of life.
So I made myself a promise. To let my barriers down. To be open. To be vulnerable. And most importantly to love freely, generously and unconditionally. I’m going to let love be my overriding way of being. My actions will stem from love and kindness.
This all came about when I was on Pinterest, checking out the various quotes on there (I love a good quote!). There are so many good ones but one in particular struck a chord with me. It read “Live from love”. Wow. So powerful.
So I put it into practise and very quickly I started seeing positive changes in my life. At first they were small. I was less angry. I started being more upbeat and seeing the good in people, in my life, and in all situations. I allowed myself to be genuinely more interested in people. I started to ask them questions and get to know them on a deeper level. I started telling my friends how special they are to me and how I felt about them.
And you know what, it felt so good, so liberating. It was like a weight had been lifted. And the hurt and pain that I’d carried all my life started to subside. In fact, it’s helped me start to heal.
Now bigger changes have started happening. Those around me are reciprocating with love. They are being more open with me and showing and telling me what I mean to them.
The more love I feel and give out, the more love I receive. It’s like people mirror my actions. I cannot describe how amazing that feels. After all, who doesn’t like feeling loved? As humans, that is one of our base needs. To love and to be loved.
The biggest part of living from love for me, though, has been learning to love myself. It’s crept up on me. I don’t really know when it happened but I do feel an overwhelming sense of love for myself. And it’s not just every now and then. Pretty much most days I feel good about myself. It’s the best feeling in the world and nothing beats it!
And I so very much want you all to feel the same! Being surrounded by love is the most beautiful thing ever.
So start living from love. Deep, unconditional love. Give it freely and I promise, you will start reaping the rewards oh, so quickly.